Friday, May 30, 2008


It is funny how the world works. In many ways, I have no regrets but at the same time I have loads. It is hard for me to differentiate which of the regrets are real and which are just 'what ifs'.

One of my major regrets is that I chose to teach. I have regretted that decision for so long and that's not to say I haven't enjoyed aspects of teaching but on the whole it's not something I ever envisioned myself doing. I used to feel that I had no choice in what happened in my life because dad would always shake his head and direct me to something he thought was more appropriate. Which, in his mind, was the more appropriate option and generally was a good option - but not always necessarily the best option for me. Dad forgets that I am 24 and have 'younger' opinions than him. It's either dad's way or it's a stupid idea.

On the other hand, had I of not done teaching I probably would have ended up with a job I really enjoyed and wouldn't have felt the desperate need to escape and probably would have kept London as a pipe dream instead of turning it into a reality.

Prime example of one of those things I'm not sure I regret or not. I don't think I regret teaching because I have learnt so much from it that I wouldn't have learnt had I of been happy from the start. Not sure if this is making sense or not?!

I don't regret going to London and living over there. In fact, I am proud that I had the courage to go in the first place. People have asked whether I am disappointed because I didn't stay over there longer. I'm not disappointed because at the end I was getting so unhappy. Not because I missed home but... more because my house was too big and crazy and I was starting to get over sharing a room with another person. I absolutely hated supplying over there because the kids were CRAZY and going to a different school every day drove me nuts. I also hated my agency because they just did not look after their teachers very well. They were great at the start but went downhill in the last 4 months and everyone who worked through them was noticing. Yeah, I could have gone back when I was meant to but then I wouldn't have stayed longer in Australia and had this 6 week teaching block which made me realise that I really don't want to teach anymore!

I have some idea of what I'd like to do but who knows if I will get that job because I don't have experience and I don't want to go back to study. But, I spend so much of my time planning and analyzing that you know what - I DON'T CARE what happens because I am sick to death of being preoccupied with crap that I just end up not enjoying anything.

I spent so much time analyzing the what ifs of Canada that when I finally decided on my ORIGINAL fucking plan that it is too damn late to do what I originally wanted to do. So, I have decided to take a deep breath and see what happens when I go with the flow of things rather than try to second guess myself.

Too many decisions to think about right now so I am off!

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